Character Building Tip Two: Use All the Colors in your Palette

Introduction 

Recently, I was reading about how you prevent one area of your life or one emotion from hogging all your brain space and taking over control of your actions.  We've all had that feeling when you are having a perfectly relaxing and enjoyable day, then out of nowhere you lose control. You don't even notice you lost it until it's too late. If you were lucky enough to catch yourself in the moment, you still might not have been able to stop. See if you recognize these thoughts: "Here I go on acting crazy..." or "Why can't I control what is happening to me?" or "I don't know how that came out of me, I don't know who that person was!" (Busted...awkward...)

Happiness, anger, sadness, embarrassment, honesty, shyness, excitement, worry, regret, kindness- these are all emotions we express. There are hundreds more. The key is figure out two things: how to balance all of your personalities and how to express all of them in a healthy way (without losing control!)

Your Emotions Compared to a Game of Chess

The book Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life suggests you view your life as a game of chess. You are the board itself and the players are all the different parts of you. The board doesn't care what direction the players go or wins or loses, so the board can stay indifferent to all the different movements. I mention this in the extremely rare and slim chance you like chess more than coloring.

My Emotions Compared to a Paint Palette

I like chess, but I like crafts more. This game of chess made sense, but I created an analogy that felt more relatable to me and therefore sticks better in my brain: a palette of colors. Think of a blank, white canvas as your life. Throughout your life, you dab a little bit of one color, and then another, using all of your emotions. You are the canvas, staying unbiased, as all these different colors are being painted.  Your actions are your paint brush picking up a color and using it, then picking up a different color and using that one. Paint brushes use smooth, flowing strokes just like your actions are careful and calm. You can't paint the whole canvas off of one dip into the paint either. You have to wipe off the paint brush, sometimes dip it in water, and dab it into another color.

Why Should You Balance the Right Amount of All Emotions?

So how does this canvas relate to controlling your anger? (By the way, anger will be the color red, of sho.) If anger took all the attention, a huge blot of red would spill all over the canvas; you wouldn't see any of the other colors. Because I want to know what makes me feel angry, I want to use a little bit of red paint, but if the angry gets out of control, there's no room for any of the happy, forgiving, or calm feelings!

Apply This Analogy in Your Own Life

Try to notice all the different colors in your palette throughout the day. Lucky for you, the number of colors in your pallet is endless and continuously growing (New colors!!! WHA!!). For example, in the canvas above, there are 20 colors, but I can add as many more as I want. By the time I am 80, there might be 200, or even 2000!  There's no limit to the amount of colors and there never will be. Even as an adult or a wrinkly grammy, you will still be adding more colors to your palette.

Connect the Steps 

1. Canvas = You being neutral always

2. Paint brush is dabbed into a color = You deciding what emotion, thought, feeling, personality, sensation you are going to use

3. Paint brush is being used on a canvas in gentle, even smooth strokes = Your actions of the emotion you chose to use, always calm, careful and gentle regardless of the color

4. Paint brush is dipped into water, wiped on a towel = You putting your current emotion, thought, feeling, personality, sensation away by taking a step back or moment of quiet to reorganize and regroup

5. Paint brush is being dabbed into a new color = You choose the next emotion, thought, feeling, sensation, personality you are going to use

Conclusion

Both positive and negative qualities are a piece on your chess board, a color in your palette. You aren't going to buy a chess board with only the white pieces, and you aren't going to buy a palette that leaves out browns and blacks. They cannot go away.

Next time you catch yourself getting out of control, think: "This is a color in my palette. I am going to pain with smooth, even strokes by stay calm and gentle in my actions. After I've expressed myself, I'm going to wipe off my paint brush and choose the next color." You are the canvas, so you are staying neutral while these colors are being used. Your actions are the paintbrush, always careful and calm. 

Character Building Tip Two: Your palette can hold all of your colors: emotions, thoughts, feelings, personalities, sensations. Your actions are the paintbrush. Your paintbrush will use one color carefully and calmly, then wipe it off and clean it in water only to choose a new one. You are the canvas. You stay still and peaceful as the artwork is being created, thus you are empowered to properly use all colors in your palette.

Source: Hayes, Steven, and Spencer Smith. "Introduction." Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life: The New Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. New York: Fine Creative Media, 2005. 1-8. Print. 

Character Building Tip One: You'll Sink if You Run From Quicksand

Introduction

We are going to compare reacting to your extreme emotions to quicksand. The purpose is to make the next dramatic event in your life a little bit more bearable, to help you react to the event in a way that produces that outcome you want, and to allow you to have an equally satisfying and exciting day with or without that negativity from the dramatic event.

Part One: Quicksand

Do you know what would happen if you tried to run from quicksand? Let me show you in the first video. As you watch the video, describe what you see happening.

Video One:


How would you describe what happened to that man? I think he started to breathe faster and heavier. In doing so, he sank deeper into the sand, or poop looking substance (Ew, poop). The man was desperately trying to save himself by splashing his arms and gasping for air. Also, you can infer that he was probably kicking. (Remember, inferring means the information is not given clearly but you know what happened by "reading between the lines" and seeing the other details.)

Part Two: Your Extreme Emotions 

Think about your life and what gets an extreme emotion out of you. First of all, make sure you know what an extreme emotion is, or EE as I like to say. To me, an EE is any time that I feel myself getting physically tingly, turning red, or my breathing patterns change. An EE is different from your typical self because there's an event causing a heightened reaction from you. Sometimes the EE is good, like if I am surprised or excited. Other times this EE causes me to feel sad, angry, or hurt. So, what causes your extreme emotions? Do you feel overwhelmed with homework or with too many tasks to accomplish? Do you feel an EE when you get in a fight with a friend, family member, boyfriend or girlfriend, or anyone else? Do you feel an EE when you feel like you try as hard as you can at something, but nothing gets better? Check, check, check for me...they all cause an EE to stir up in me; I'm sensitive and I want to please, what can I say? ;)

Part Three: Make a Connection 

Think of your reaction to these stimulating events like quicksand. If you try to run away from the problem or whatever caused that negative EE, then you are going to make it worse. Initially, you might successfully be able to divert your attention to something else. You might forget the problem existed at all. You might pretend or even convince yourself you don't care. Either way, the problem will only worsen over time. The problem will come back to sink you even further into the poopy stuff (yuck). Sometimes it takes hours, days, or years, to come back, but it will always be worse if you run, skip, or hop away from the problem.


I'll restate the point: Don't run away screaming, don't avoid the issue completely, and don't do what my irrational brain wants to do: put everything else in my day and life on hold until I fix the problem. You simply can't. If you could, you wouldn't be panicking. If you run away by ignoring, avoiding, or diverting your attention from your problems, the problems will get worse.

Part Four: The Solution 

So what are you supposed to do when you feel like your entire day is consumed by this dramatic event? You remind yourself that any extreme action in panic mode is going to make the situation worse. You remind yourself of the quicksand, and how if you act on your extreme emotions, you are going to bury yourself in a bigger problem (with a lot of poop). Try these steps and alter them to work for you:

1. First, mentally accept that the problem exists. Yep, that means saying, "I accept ______________ and my actions right now need to be calm." In the moment, you must catch yourself before you start to sink!

2. Secondly, take a deep breath and calm yourself down. (We will work on calming down strategies later.)

3. Third, allow your brain to be separate from you. Give your brain extended time to have its irrational thoughts. Don't believe these thoughts your brain has right away, but allow them to happen and pass through at the same rate (think of a train passing by). If you notice, your thoughts will be all over the place trying to fix the situation but in reality most of these are not realistically going to help you. Just keep letting the thoughts pass through. Go about your day as you normally would, completing your tasks with effort and enjoying the moment. You can experience pain and still have a nice day.

4. Finally, face your emotional event, but do so slowly and with actions and words that have a purpose. When you have physically calmed down and mentally are having consistent, rational thoughts, you can decide the best way to move forward. This might takes minutes or days, but wait until you are confident your feelings are stable. The best ways to move forward are going to be slow, small actions followed by more slow, small actions. Face your emotional event, but do so slowly and with actions and words that have a purpose.

In video two, you see the man escape quicksand. Pause as you watch the video to take notes on what you see happening. How is he successful?

Video Two:

Part Five: When There is No Solution

Sometimes, our problems are so bad we feel like there is nothing we can do. You've tried and worked as hard as you can, but you can't solve the problem. As you watch the video below, pay attention to how the people describe sinking into the sand (specifically, about two minutes in). Then, see how the man stuck gets out of the sand. How do you get out of a problem when you are completely stuck?

Video Three:


If you notice, the man is unable to get out the quicksand all by himself. So how is he saved? How can you save yourself from the dramatic event eating up your day? With that long term problem that won't go away, how can you move forward? I like to think of the people helping him out as resources. You can use your resources to help you. For me, I try to read articles that might help, talk to someone who would give intelligent and fair, unbiased advice about the situation, and do something that will calm me down when I feel like I must panic. Sometimes this is as simple as forcing my face to smile, excusing myself to go to the restroom to take a deep breath, or and giving myself affirmations in the mirror. Whatever I do, I have to repeat the phrase: "I can accept that I cannot control the situation. I can control how I react."

Character Building Tip One: Running away from and avoiding your problems that cause extreme emotions will make your problems worse. Calm yourself down. Continue to execute your day's tasks and enjoy the moment while you allow your brain the time it needs to process and figure out how to move forward. 

Source: Hayes, Steven, and Spencer Smith. "Introduction." Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life: The New Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. New York: Fine Creative Media, 2005. 1-8. Print. 

Student Worksheet: Guided Article Notes